CH II

Oh my !!!!!

Sat, 27 Oct 2012 18:07:17 -0400

Today I thanked God for creating me a little ugly than i would like and I think God told me ‘HELL NO!’ Maybe I am little more self conscious than I would like but not uglier. Now that I think about it, I have yet to see an ugly person. God does not create anyone ugly. Every single person God created is extremely, astoundingly, breath-takingly beautiful. Oh my!!! So overwhelmed!!!! Ive been missing out for so long!!!

Ps… Dear Ek, this is my first one;)

Be my strength

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 19:46:32 -0400

“Sanctification doesn’t always look like overcoming your weakness. Sanctification looks like calling on Jesus in the midst of your weakness. It looks like calling on Him earlier this time than you did last time. It looks like calling on Him faster, with more fervency, more dependence each minute of each day.” -fabs

Why don't people say what they mean

Sun, 30 Sep 2012 21:59:38 -0400

Dont you hate it when all that needs to be said is ‘I love you’ but it comes out as anger instead because everyone is too afraid to be vulnerable and risk their true selves getting rejected.

Dont you hate it when people talk in third person when they are really talking about themselves.

fearful that this could be true...

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 14:53:31 -0400

She’s building up her kingdom of sticks and stones
I hear the words in between they tend to never hold
Was she living ever after or making belief
She kept away from the heart the things unseen

-monsters calling home

me thinks....

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 17:51:00 -0400

Starting to think that advice to conquer sin is useless, only the Gospel is life giving.

‘You should…’

‘Why don’t you…’

advice tells someone to change a habit but the truth of the Gospel changes the belief behind the habit.

All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions —it is by grace you have been saved.

i guess it is hard to trust that the God who made me alive continues to give me life and no one/nothing else can.

SFSP part last

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 15:11:00 -0400

Definitions:

Prayer- Every morning we had an optional prayer meeting. After many attempts to pray for an hour on my own (sorry S.Chang) I confessed to another staff how hard it was for me to stay awake for an hour without falling asleep. In return, he told me about 7am prayer meetings they had at his college and how refreshing it was for him. Then it just started—first just 3, then to about 8 people.

Breakfast/chill time- my new love- MCGRIDDLES!!!! OH MY SO GOOD!!!!!

QT/Ministry Venues- Before we went out to do ministry we would usually take about 45 minutes to ourselves to spend some time with the Lord. Ministry groups consisted of 10ish people each and we all went to a different location, switching every 2 weeks, ideally. The 3 ministry groups were.

VBS (Vacation Bible School) - With some miscommunication, we didn’t get to attend this venue at all. Instead, we went to SF State to share with whomever. I think many students were discouraged by going here because there didn’t seem to be any clear goals nor follow up plan. But even though some were discouraged at the time, I think we would all say that the 4 people who accepted Christ made our time well worth it. But even then, if not a single person accepted Christ during that time; I think we would still say that the faith stretching time was well worth it.

sharing Jesus with students and playing with their dogs J

Serving Food – We served with Glide church by distributing food in their kitchen. During these 2 hours, over 200 people would be served a hot meal. We usually helped serve breakfast and either lunch or dinner. I would have to say that this was one of the most enjoyable experiences on the trip. Everything from wearing hair nets to getting random smiles/hugs made waking up at 6am to serve breakfast manageable.

Elderly Home-Though I did not get to experience the elderly home I heard that they helped serve meals and made signs in Chinese. Apparently lots of erasers were destroyed from the Chinese signs.

Ohana Time- An intentional time of getting to know each other on a deeper, more intimate level. Often including delicious food and candles J

Committee meetings- everyone is split up into different committees (ex. small group, ohana time, social, etc). We use this time to plan what we will do during the times.

Group Social- I got the honor to lead this team with Clarence and Tyler (staff); then later with the Victoria, Sabrina, Malachi, and Bee (student leaders). The purpose of this was just to plan a time where people can relax, have fun, and get to know each other. Together we planned group games, a trip to the SF Giants game, July 4 fireworks, a scavenger hunt, and a farewell dinner.

Men’s/Women’s Time- I cannot speak for the men, but woman’s time was nothing short of life changing, at least for me. I was so encouraged by the vulnerability of the women and somehow that vulnerability made each woman more beautiful.

lovely women!

Group Outreach- I also got to co-lead this part of project with 2 wonderful people, Chris and Matt; then later with Michelle, Kalia, and Nick. Let me tell you, these planning times were crazy fun! I don’t think I screamed or laughed that much for any other planning time IN MY LIFE. Together we planned an outreach at Golden Gate Park, at our Hostel, and at a college.

Small group- I had to opportunity to facilitate a small group with four lovely students (Sabrina, Nancy, Shela, and Kalia) from all over the US. It was so amazing to hear about how differently the same God was moving in different lives. These women are amazing.

Training- twice a week we had a time of specialized training. I got to train the students on how to share their testimony. Must say I was so incredibly nervous but I definitely felt the Spirit take over when thoughts that I never thought came out of my mouth. God be good J

Experiential Learning- This was a time that we went out and experienced the different aspect of the city so we would know and love it better. The first week we broke up into smaller groups and each group went to explore and survey the people living in the different districts. The following weeks we would focus on small parts of the city.

china town

SFSP part 3

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 14:03:03 -0400

relationships

You know when you get to know someone really well you start to share your struggles with them. I’ve started to realize that when I do get to this point in the relationship I don’t really know what to do, except try to ‘fix’ the struggle. I’m starting to see that not only does it not really work, it is hurtful. Quite honestly, there is nothing that any human can say to change a heart/an emotion. Maybe something convincing can be said to relieve some pain for a moment but I really think that no deep healing can be done by humans, only by God. So what can be done if advice giving solves no deep wounds? Listening and understanding. My discipler, Leila, taught me this during our discipleship time (not really taught, just modeled). I remember during our discipleship time, for almost the whole entire time she just asked me questions. Not leading questions to help me find some inner peace, but questions that would help her understand me and where I was coming from. I confided in her with some of the things I was struggling with, hoping that she was give me the answer but she didn’t. However, she did indirectly (or directly) help me understand my struggles more and at the same time I felt known and cared for by her. Nothing was fixed per se but so much of my soul (who I really am) was brought into the light and even just bringing things into the light felt like healing.

I think often I just want people’s struggles to be fixed quickly because I don’t like knowing that the people I care about are in pain. But I guess that is because I think that pain is a bad thing and that I have some control in making things better; both very big lies. My hope is that I would be done trying to ‘fix’ people and begin listening and understanding.

SFSP part 2

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 11:50:36 -0400

emotions are a good thing…

still trying to understand this better but i remember going to see a counselor this year and she told me that it was important to acknowledge emotions even when they are upsetting. at first i didn’t believe it but now i think i understand. at first i only saw the upside of not acknowledging my emotions- that i don’t have to experience pain as deeply. consequently, i would also not experience joy as deeply.this is something i struggle with almost on a daily basis…what does joy look like and how do i experience it?

i don’t know what happened but i decided at the beginning of project that i was going to be honest with how i was feeling, at least to God. it was weird at first but i would say it all out loud. every doubt, every anxiety, but also everything that made me happy. Life changing!!! it is a very different feeling saying things out loud. i think i started to feel feelings more deeply. it didn’t manifest in tears or laughter but i experienced a side of me that i didn’t know existed (nor did i want it to exist). it can out as a heavy, burdening feeling and i experienced the fragility and weakness of me. i always thought i was tough and could handle things but it is so far from the truth. i CANNOT handle things but i can shove emotions down well. i can ignore things well. the more i acknowledge hurt and burdens in my life, the more i realize that i cannot carry any of it on my own. praise be to God that He does not require us to. because of Jesus paid for my wrongs on the cross, God sees me as clean, forgiven, righteous and he no longer desire restitution for my wrongs but desire to do good to me. because of Jesus, God now only wishes to do things for my good and for His glory. so humbling to know that my good would be for His glory.

…in [his] presence there is fullness of joy… -Psalm 16:11

i think joy is not according to my feeling or my understanding of a situation. joy is knowing that i will never be abandoned, forgotten, or unseen by my maker.

conclusion: emotions are good because they point back to Jesus.

thoughts everywhere… bad grammar… sorry…

SFSP Update 1.5-Starting from the end

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 16:23:10 -0400

First of all I want to thank all of yall for supporting me! This trip was nothing less of life changing!

As I am trying to process this summer I am starting to see how the Lord has been answering prayers. One of my personal reasons for going on this trip was to see if the city is the place the Lord wants me to serve as if going to SF would instantly help me make a decision. Instead, I believe the Lord has been revealing to me my unhealthy belief that I would just instantly know if the Lord was calling me somewhere. JI Packer says it well:

It is false piety, super-supernaturalism of an unhealthy and pernicious sort, that demands inward impressions that have no rational base, and declines to heed the constant biblical summons to “consider.” God made us thinking beings, and he guides our minds as in his presence we think things out—not otherwise.” O that they were wise…that they would consider” (Deut 32:29 KJV)

I humbly admit that I have never really thought. Most of my decisions are usually made on impulses or an exciting first impression.

First impulsive thought after college— move to San Francisco!

Truth be told, my ‘plans’ are never well-thought-out or prayerful. Plans were made by what other people told me to do or just what felt right. Now, no one is telling me what to do and just doing what I want to do doesn’t seem secure.

For the past few days, I have been greatly struggling with this idea of ‘thinking.’ It has been difficult and I often lose sleep over it but I have also been experiencing His grace on new levels. Especially in this time, I am seeing how His grace and loving-kindness is not just a one-time thing but it is moment by moment, thought by though. There have been so many times where I have been discouraged and seem to be just running in circles but I am sure of one thing—my God has not left me, nor will He ever leave me. For senior farewell my EPIC community left me with this verse and it has spoken deeply and profoundly in my life.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your Go will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

realizing why i don't blog now...

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 14:58:03 -0400

i so badly want to get things right that i don’t share the process of understanding with others. its lonely and dumb…so here’s SFSP update 1 and here’s to being known 1.

i need [ ]. i need [ ]. i need [ ]. i need [ ]. i need [ ]. i need [ ...

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 00:32:51 -0500

i need [ ]. i need [ ]. i need [ ]. i need [ ]. i need [ ].

i need [ God ].

one more :)

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:31:13 -0500

I LOVE NATIONAL GEORAPHIC

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:26:30 -0500

i feel kinda silly sitting here and just going, OH MY GOD at every picture. they really are that breathtaking.

cool, eh :)

What I learned about myself from East Asia

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 23:14:00 -0500

To be completely honest— I don’t know God.

At the end of the day, when I’m just left with me and my thoughts, I don’t know the God I so desperately want others to know. I just see a very vague outline from what I kind of know of Jesus. I didn’t realize how much I viewed God as a banker that I was so desperately trying to get out of debt with. In East Asia, it was “easy to “get out of debt” when I felt like my 3 or 4 Gospel presentation outweighed every discouraging/sarcastic remark or judgmental thought. Now that I am at home and alone more often, I find myself desperately trying to do good works to outweigh the sinfulness I am discovering in myself. Though I am desperately seeking God through the Word, I fear that He won’t draw near because I have wronged too often. There is dissonance in my heart when I know the Bible says that there is no condemnation in Christ but all I feel from the moment I wake up till the time I fall asleep is condemnation, unworthiness and guilt.

And that is where I am at, kinda.

I think today, right now as I am writing this note, I am seeing the mercy and grace of God working in my life. Through this struggle I am seeing how skewed my view of God the Father is. I see God the Father the way I see my earthly father. Though I dearly love my earthly father, I know very little about him and how he thinks of me. I think this is similar to my relationship with my heavenly Father. I also know very little about Him and how He thinks of me. I think this is why the Bible has become so dear to me recently. But I must also confess that it is hard. There are times when I just want to forget about my sin and guilt and pop in a movie but something moves in me and somehow I don’t. I am seeing now that no matter my efforts to know God I will not know Him unless He reveals himself to me. I am completely at the mercy of God. Unless He changes my heart I am nothing but a depressed mess. BUT praise God for He is “forgiving and good, anounding in love to all who call…” (Ps 86:5).

the sky is blue...

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 17:55:00 -0500

…so people say. so i have seen, kinda.

but today i really saw it and now i really believe it.

strange but beautiful.

i think blue is my favorite color. probably until i realize the grass is green or dirt is brown.

too proud to cry

Sun, 16 Oct 2011 15:57:00 -0400

i hate that i am one of them. While watching Joy Luck Club i wanted to cry the whole time but i wouldn’t let myself. i want to be vulnerable but i am too proud,ashamed, scared to let people see me in that state. its strange, i love when i get to see people cry because they become so much more real to me. i want to be real. i want to be known.

home

Thu, 04 Aug 2011 02:07:42 -0400

all the worldy things seem meaningless when the people you love are perishing.

Photo

Sat, 28 May 2011 14:54:00 -0400

starting to understand

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 00:22:57 -0400

…why prayer is better

epic prayed for people going on missions this summer.

no amount of money has ever encouraged me this much.

thanks fam

Q1: How does faith in the resurrection affect how you live on a daily basis? Christ has risen from...

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 15:46:37 -0400

Q1: How does faith in the resurrection affect how you live on a daily basis?

Christ has risen from the grave and defeated sin. Therefore i must live boldly
Christ,the most deserving of everything, gave up all things for me. Therefore i can not feel entitled to anything
Christ’s love for me in is me. Therefore i can’t help but love.

Q2: What areas of your life would you love to see it affect that it currently doesn’t?

see question 1